Navigating Mother’s Day: How to Cope with Losing Your Mom or Child
Mother’s Day can be an especially difficult holiday if you’re grieving your mom or child. Whether it’s your first Mother’s Day without your mom or child or years have passed, grief shows up differently for everyone. Some of you may find it soothing to bring flowers to your loved one’s grave or book that trip you always wanted to take with your mom. But some of you might wish this day didn’t exist. Remember, you are also allowed to “skip” this day, as this article suggests. You can treat it like just another day, if that’s what feels best to you this year.
That’s the approach we take for this holiday and any holiday: do what feels best to you. You can say “no” to gatherings that don’t feel right, or you can say “yes” to a gathering you need. You get to decide how you spend this day. Below, you’ll find a small list of ideas for coping this Mother’s Day by yourself or with others, while remembering and honoring your mom or child.
Give a Gift in Memory of Your Mom
Was your mom passionate about a certain cause? You can honor her this holiday by donating to an organization she cared about. Or you can give a small gift to your family members and friends that remind you of your mom. Maybe she liked to garden — give a small potted flower to your siblings. Or buy yourself a beautiful bouquet. Perhaps she liked to bake or cook — make her favorite recipe and enjoy it yourself or invite a friend to join you.
Write Your Mom a Letter
Writing and journaling can be a healthy processing tool. Putting all your thoughts and feelings on paper often helps with rumination and allows a private space to say everything you need but have a hard time saying out loud. If you’re looking for a journaling tool, we encourage you to download our free reflection guide with prompts and space to write. It can be especially helpful to write down your thoughts, anticipations and expectations before a meaningful holiday like Mother’s Day.
Another helpful way you can cope this holiday while honoring your mother or child is by writing them a letter, including everything you wish you could say to them today. Here are some questions to get you started:
What are your most cherished Mother’s Day memories with your loved one?
What did your loved one teach you/what lessons from your loved one do you carry?
What part of Mother’s Day do you wish you could share with your loved one?
If you could give a gift to your loved one today, what would it be and why?
Join an Online Event to Remember Your Mom
Communities are built to support each other in joys and sorrows, and losing your mom or a child is a time to lean on your community. Whether or not you have an in-person community to encourage and support you, you can also find communities virtually. For Grief offers an online community where you will find other people who are grieving and a peer-supported group to lift you up when you need it most.
You can find a collection of upcoming events on our GriefCalendar, including this one, specifically for Mother’s Day: Oh, Broken-Open Heart: a Mother’s Day Poetry Gathering for Mourners, May 8, 7 p.m.-8:30 p.m. ET. “Join Reimagine and Evermore for an hour and a half of poetry, writing, conversation and connection. Poets James Crews and Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer provide a virtual refuge for people who have lost a mother/mother figure or a child.”
Read a Book About Grief
Sometimes, reading can help you feel less alone and help you understand your grief a little bit more. We know that all the self-help books in the world won’t take your grief away, but reading about someone’s similar story or tips to cope as you grieve can be immensely helpful.
We have an online bookshop where you can browse and purchase (or borrow at your local library!) books by people who have navigated the loss of their moms or children. This book by Dara Kurtz: I Am My Mother’s Daughter, follows the author as she reads handwritten letters from her mother and grandmothers who have died and gathers wisdom passed down from generations.
If you’re grieving the loss of your child, the book Beyond Tears, by Ellen Mitchell, is written by nine mothers who share their stories of “how to survive in the darkest hour.” They share what to expect in the first year and beyond after the death of a child. The mothers offer reassurance that “the clouds of grief do lessen with time and that grieving parents will find a way to live and even laugh again.”
Read These Poems About Moms
Poetry offers snippets into thoughts and feelings, whether you write or read it. Sometimes, poetry reaches something deep inside that you couldn’t put words to before. Poetry allows you to feel, think and exist exactly as you are.
The Poetry Foundation houses a collection of Mother’s Day poems on their website, where you can find poems that speak to your relationship with your mother or child. With poems ranging from complicated relationships with a mother to what mothers teach their children, we hope you find a poem that resonates and soothes. Below is one poem we chose from the collection.
By Jean Nordhaus
How I loved those spiky suns,
rooted stubborn as childhood
in the grass, tough as the farmer’s
big-headed children—the mats
of yellow hair, the bowl-cut fringe.
How sturdy they were and how
slowly they turned themselves
into galaxies, domes of ghost stars
barely visible by day, pale
cerebrums clinging to life
on tough green stems. Like you.
Like you, in the end. If you were here,
I’d pluck this trembling globe to show
how beautiful a thing can be
a breath will tear away.
Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. This Mother’s Day might be a difficult reminder of your grief, but be gentle with yourself, only say “yes” to activities or gatherings you feel comfortable with and make space for yourself to remember your mom or child in whatever ways you need.